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Three essential ingredients, when sharing feedback.1. Be specific about what behaviour affected you. What did the other person do? What exactly triggered your reaction?&nbsp; Be as specific as possible, so the other person can recognize the behavior and take ownership of it. Do this as objectively as possible so you're less likely to end up in a debate.Examples: “You were late to our meeting,” “You interrupted me while I was speaking,” or “You dismissed my feelings by giving counter-arguments.”2. Speak from the heartIn my view, this is the most important aspect of giving feedback effectively. Speaking your truth often creates a genuine dialogue. Speaking from the heart means expressing how something has affected you — how you feel. This is best done with an “I-message,” making it something where there is nothing to argue about. When you're hurt, simply naming and expressing your feelings can already bring a sense of relief. You're being honest and at the same time, showing that you value the relationship by doing so.3. Share what you need (if it's not already clear). Let the other person know what would help you. Examples: “I really need you to be on time,” or “I need space to finish what I'm saying without being interrupted.”There's no fixed order for these three components — what matters most is that they’re all included. Make it your own and use your own words.And of course, feedback isn’t a one-way monologue. It’s a conversation. Both people should be open to listening and understanding each other’s perspective.Finally, always keep in mind: most people don't intend to hurt you, so keep an open mind and try to approach it with curiosity.#nonviolentcommunication #feedback #training #conversationalskills #communication

Feedback

How to overcome fear for public speaking? (glossophobia)Don't! Accept it. It is perfectly normal. In fact, our brain tells us that it is dangerous to stand in front of such a large group. ‘You are not going to win this fight’. Our reptilian brain (the oldest part of our brains), may even make us go into fight, fligh or freeze mode.I have been presenting to groups for about 15 years now and where I once had the illusion that this fear would simply disappear over the years, I can now live with it and accept it as it is. Because with every new group that I am facing, I feel (a little) tension still. ‘Is my story good enough?’, “what if they are critical? But that anxiety is also joy of living, tension that is usually released and turns into enthusiasm while presenting. So I try to ‘frame’ the fear differently, as enthusiasm and as excitement.After giving my commitment for a training session, I start my preparation. On a content level: I prepare the sheets and then leave it be. Not going over it 10 times again. Content-wise, it can't get much better and doing more will only create more stress. During the presentation, I then have both sufficient structure and the freedom to choose my wording in the moment. That's the perfect balance for me.And then the presentation starts... I start with doing myself a favor. I reach out to the audience to create a connection (e.g. I ask a question). It forces me to be in the now and not get lost in the (fearful) story in my head. Making contact with the audience also comforts my brain and makes me feel safe and relaxed: ‘oh, but these are very friendly people!’.And while presenting, if I go too fast, or feel (too much) insecurity rising up. Then I look for that interaction once again. Just taking the pressure off myself by putting the ball in the audiences court by asking a question, for example. I makes me get back in touch with myself as a result and reconnect with the group.Having the courage to keep doing presentations ensures that the fear-monster does not grow and the joy of presenting remains.In short, what works for me: 1- Accept your fear. It's perfectly normal. 2- Balance how much you prepare. Too much leads to excessive thinking and too little leads to a lack of structure. 3- Connect in the moment. People are less scary when they talk. Take the pressure of your shoulders by asking your audience a question.<a data-mce-href="https://dennisruttencoachingtraining.durablesites.com/contact" href="https://dennisruttencoachingtraining.durablesites.com/contact" title="Contact" data-mce-selected="inline-boundary">Contact me for more info for a workshop (half-day), a full day or a multiple day Presentation training.</a>

Fear of public speaking

How do you create "good" habits?Changing your behaviour can be very difficult. You've been behaving this way for ages, and often your short-term happiness (read: a shot of dopamine) gets in the way of your long-term happiness.In my case, eating a bag of candy instead of a cucumber, an evening of Netflix instead of a run, or in terms of communication, "reacting directly with my own story because of my own enthusiasm" instead of asking a follow-up question.... I hope this is recognizable? 😉James Clear describes in his book Atomic habits some very practical tips to make new habits your own. Habits that will bring you long-term happiness. Like brushing your teeth daily, which significantly increases your chances of having healthy teeth. Or playing the piano for 15 min every day. You may not see the result of your action immediately, but it's there. And when it comes to skills, e.g., listening, you get a kind of interest-on-interest effect. You get better and better faster (compounding).Below are 4 principles that work best for me: 1- Make the action small. Make it so small that you almost can't do it. Want stronger leg muscles? Every time you shower, 1 squat. If you want to listen better to others, summarize someone 1 time a day (and check if you're correct) before telling your own story. And then build up slowly.2- Connect the action to another habit (stacking). Right after you finish another habit, start with your new habit. This way you enforce and automate your new habit. For example, for me, toothpicking after brushing my teeth works very well. This way it became routine and at one point I was doing it unconsciously.3- Make it hard to fall back into old habits. If I have a bag of winegums in the cupboard, I do make it very difficult for myself. I am then constantly fighting with my reptile brain. Not helpful. In addition, I tell those close to me what my plan (challenge) is and sometimes even someone joins in. I then immediately feel extra commitment to do it.4- Be gentle with yourself. Okay, things went wrong once, it can happen. Now pick it up again. Otherwise you have both "failed" and you are beating yourself up for not doing it.and finally: Do you have an idea or a good habit, that you want to start? Then schedule time in your calendar right now when you will start working on it!#atomichabits #habits #behaviouralchange

Good habits

How to discover your core qualities? 4 tips!Tip 1: Recognize the compliments you receive. Often your qualities are so self-evident to you that you are not aware of them. You show your qualities effortlessly because that’s “who you are”. For example, I have regularly heard comments along the lines of: “you really get things done!”. My reaction is always: “That’s what I’m paid for, isn’t it?”. I feel some kind of astonishment. It is so normal that I don’t notice it myself.Tip 2: Ask others! People have different perspectives on you and yet you will find that many people recognize the same qualities in you. Ask your loved ones, your colleagues and perhaps people who only have a first impression of you. The trick then is to recognize which qualities come easily to you and which qualities you may have internalized (learned) over time. The learned qualities usually take energy to express. Bonus: Asking about and exchanging qualities usually yields great conversations.Tip 3: What behavior or colleague regularly annoys you? Chances are the opposite behavior is your core quality! For you, your quality is probably so obvious that you are annoyed by people who are very different in it or if you yourself exhibit this kind of behavior.Tip 4: Translate negative feedback. When you receive negative feedback, you can ask yourself, “What quality is underneath?” If you receive the same (negative) feedback often, you may be showing a little too much of your quality….Tip on the tips: don’t lock yourself in on who you think you are….Recognizing your core qualities is a first step in consciously expressing who you are and matching this with your environment.In my trainings, I often work with (core) qualities using Daniel Ofman’s Core Quadrants model. You could say that the power of his model lies in its emptiness, you give it your own interpretation and meaning.&nbsp; <figure id="figure-mpxmrxgg0alxhd6131"><img id="mpxmrxgg0alxhd6131" src="https://cdn.durable.co/covers/1fggxlclbCk8VZZyBMze1mFJamGPnnnKoCHL0joXe6wg8ssfLQjwx4IeLFHU7EYx.png" alt="a red wall with a yellow arrow pointing in opposite directions" title="a red wall with a yellow arrow pointing in opposite directions" class="object-cover bg-gray-100 rounded-sm md:rounded-md lg:rounded-lg" style="aspect-ratio: 16/9; object-position: center center;" data-corners="default" data-aspect="16:9" data-caption="" data-positionx="undefined" data-positiony="undefined" data-fullwidth="false" data-mce-src="https://cdn.durable.co/covers/1fggxlclbCk8VZZyBMze1mFJamGPnnnKoCHL0joXe6wg8ssfLQjwx4IeLFHU7EYx.png" data-mce-style="aspect-ratio: 16/9; object-position: center center;"></figure> #corequalities #core quadrants #training #ofman

Core Qualities

A Growth mindset, what is it besides a trendy word?&nbsp;In many of my trainings I focus on people's "mindset", their thoughts, inner dialogues or the beliefs they have, basically everything that takes place inside our brains. These thoughts and inner dialogues can help you, but they can also get in your way quite a bit.<figure id="figure-rng6u4tsulxf2o5fb" class=""><img id="rng6u4tsulxf2o5fb" src="https://cdn.durable.co/blocks/11d9GcmttQjIWJH4Ih4T8I4HBnmSy2iQpF8Q9kAO4Mct014X4U1yLd9SR9CswZVv.png" alt="person holding compass selective focus photography" title="person holding compass selective focus photography" class="object-cover bg-gray-100 rounded-sm md:rounded-md lg:rounded-lg" style="aspect-ratio: 16/9; object-position: center center;" data-corners="default" data-aspect="16:9" data-caption="" data-positionx="undefined" data-positiony="undefined" data-fullwidth="false" data-mce-src="https://cdn.durable.co/blocks/11d9GcmttQjIWJH4Ih4T8I4HBnmSy2iQpF8Q9kAO4Mct014X4U1yLd9SR9CswZVv.png" data-mce-style="aspect-ratio: 16/9; object-position: center center;"></figure>Carole Dweck describes in her ground breaking research that people who keep learning continue to develop their brains. New neural pathways are created. This is in contradiction with earlier research, where the assumption was that you reach your maximum brain capacity after early adulthood. So that's good news for everyone!For example, with a growth mindset you: embrace challenges, ask for feedback, see others as inspiration, accept setbacks, etc. With a fixed mindset on the other hand, you stay where you are in terms of development and there is nothing wrong with that. In some areas you may not want to learn anything.A frequently asked question in my trainings is then: "How do you determine when you want to choose for the fixed mindset and when for the growth mindset? In other words: what do you want to develop and when?I think the answer can be found in your feelings. By feeling whether there is a (deeper) desire to do something and then choosing to do that. And yes, that sometimes involves fear. For example, if you are allowed to present in front of a very large group (e.g. 400 people), doing it anyway requires you to be courageous. There are also things you may be both afraid of and feel no desire for (e.g. skydiving), then having a fixed mindset is fine. You always choose for yourself!So direct your mindset by following your desires and taking your fear and all (negative) thoughts at face value. If the fear is so big that you slip into survival mode, it might be wise to take a smaller step toward your desire.Starting from your desire, what you want, stimulating your growth mindset is exciting compared to the comfort of staying in your (fixed) mindset, but will yield you growth as a human being!Do you want to know more about the Growth mindset? Please contact me.growthmindset #growth #development #training #coaching

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Fear of public speaking

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